An open letter to my sons...

Dear Michael and Drew,

Not so long ago, I was a young girl who, like any other young girl, dreamed of the man who would meet me at the end of the aisle.  I know that seems like it was back in the medieval ages, but to me it was yesterday.  No matter what, a girl is a girl is a girl, regardless of when she is born.

Assuming you are going to marry (and your dad and I look forward to each of your very special days), each of you will wait at the end of the aisle to take your beautiful bride from her father, who is going to entrust her to your care.

This father has worried over her.  She is probably his princess.  He has an arsenal of shotguns for the first guy who breaks her heart, or uses her, or mistreats her.  When she was a little one, she twirled for her daddy in her best dress.  She danced with him.  All this for you, believe it or not.  These steps were the first ones she took in hoping for someone who will love her without condition.  And if he is worth his salt as a dad, he has treasured her beyond measure.  He has worried about her whereabouts, about her safety.  He worries while she's out.  He worries when she's in.  A good dad does that.

And he knows that one day, his heart is going to be so full of pride.  That will be the day when he will be one of the first to see her in her wedding dress, getting ready for you.  He is going to extend his arm for her to take and walk her down that aisle to you.  And his heart is going to shatter in a million pieces, because he knows that she has become a woman, and she will be yours.  The pastor will ask, "Who gives this woman to be wed?"  And he will answer, "Her mother and I."  He will release her to you.  She will join your arm, and you will, hopefully, stand before God together as you go forward with your vows.  He will then take his seat, this chapter of life with his baby girl over forever.

What kind of man will you be, that he will be able to trust you with caring for her?

Meanwhile, as this little princess is twirling for her daddy and dancing on his shoes, she is looking forward to the day she weds you.  As she grows, she is paging through magazine after magazine with countless images of wedding gowns, looking for the one that will flatter her most, that will make your head spin when you see her; that will make you think she is the most beautiful woman on the planet and you the luckiest man.

Right now, she is probably on Pinterest, pinning wedding bands, wedding gowns, ideas for vows, pictures of shoes, hairdos.  She has written her name as a Mrs. on a doodle pad more times than you have revved your car.  She is pondering how you will propose.  She is misting up at her response, when she will say "yes."  She has already decided on a theme for the reception and where it will be and who will be on the guest list.  She is dreaming of slipping into the gown she has chosen for you, placing the veil on her head, doing her nails, giggling with her bridesmaids.

She will take her daddy's arm, wait for the doors to open, wait for the cue of the wedding music, and meet your eyes, her handsome groom all cleaned up for her.  Her gaze will be fixed on you as she walks that white runner.  Her daddy will kiss her, she will join you and you will not be able to take your eyes off each other.  You will share the vows you will have each carefully written.

Even now, she is looking at furniture for your home, thinking of color schemes.  She is looking at baby cribs, and baby quilts.  She already has determined how many children you will have together; how many boys, how many girls.  And she rehearses your names in her heart over, and over, and over.  The Osborne family.  Mr. and Mrs. Michael or Andrew Osborne.

Today you are worried about today.  But think ahead about your wedding day.  Think of the girl who will win your heart.  Will it be 100% intact for her, or will you present it to her with the blood-stained residue of past heartbreak?  Will you meet her at the end of the aisle with a suitcase of stories and baggage at your feet? Stories of times you were with girls who were not her?  Will there be pieces of your heart missing, or will it be fully yours to give along with the ring you place on her finger?

I hope you marry the girl that expects 100% from you.  I hope you marry a girl who is saving 100% of herself for you.  Both of you are lady-killers.  By the world's standards, that is good thing.  But by the Lord's standards, it is not.  The girl you may be attracted to now is that girl who is dreaming of all the things I just told you about.  She is most likely not setting her eyes on you for a fling.  She is, by design, looking for the man who will promise himself to her in marriage.  Can you look at any girl in her eyes and tell her you want her hand in marriage?  If not, think.  Think of the heartbreak. Think of the lies you would telling her by wooing her with no intent to take her as your own.  She is not merchandise on the shelf of the supermarket.  She is a human being fashioned in the image of God  - like you.  And you would be wise not to break her heart any more than you would want God to break yours.  He wouldn't. He wants the same of you.

If you blow it, we are not ashamed of you.  We are not disappointed in you.  If we are anything, we are determined to help you get to where you should be with all the love we have for you.  We want God's best for you, for your future wife, for your kids.

And no matter what, we love you so much.  You can take that to the bank.

When Life Preempts Home Schooling

"Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locusts have eaten."  Joel 2:25

"...the testing of your faith produces perseverance."  James 1:3

The Lord has a way of using the most unexpected things to get our attention.   The hikes we took (see last two blog entries) continue to resonate in the lessons He teaches me about perseverance, and how He rebuilds our lives from what looks like devastation.

The one that stands out in particular involves our time of moving from Michigan to Denver.  My husband was out of a job and had to take up a contract position for six months in the Denver area, hoping he would get hired permanently.   Because of Michigan’s dire economy, we had no choice.  My two boys and I tearfully waved goodbye to him in the summer of ’09, not knowing when we would see him again.  After three months on the job, he was offered a permanent position and we knew God was telling us to relocate.  That left me responsible for the bulk of the relocating part.  

There was prepping the house to sell and keeping it spotless for showing, all while maintaining a huge yard and homeschooling our sons.  The ceramic tile in the kitchen needed to be broken up and replaced, so the three of us demolished it with hammers, a lot of sweat, and dust that covered everything despite my best efforts to keep it to a minimum.  I learned how to fix the garage door when it got stuck.  Each time I had to take care of something unfamiliar, I felt a sense of accomplishment.  (If you need help shopping for a gas line for your dryer, give me a shout.)  But by the time December rolled around, I felt like someone at the circus who keeps all those plates spinning on sticks.  The boys’ homeschooling was going by the wayside and I was, for lack of a better term, freaking out.    

I called a veteran home school mom whose kids were grown, as she had taken on the role of consultant for those moms in the area still in the thick of it.  I poured out my tears and explained my dilemma.  Her response was straight from the Lord.  She said, “Hilary, set aside the schooling.  God’s grace will make up for it.  He doesn’t expect you to do all this and keep up with school.  Let it go and you can pick it up later.  If your sons graduate a year later, so what?  God will redeem all of it.“  So, I set down the home schooling plate and focused on moving.  We did do a few lessons here and there as time permitted, but mostly the boys and I had to devote our time otherwise.

We showed the house no less than 26 times with not one offer.  I was so exasperated at the responses that I finally told the agent, prior to the last showing, “Tell them we do not have stainless steel appliances, cherry cabinets, and granite counter tops.  Then ask them if they still want to see it – because I am not wasting my time on another showing where people want HGTV perfect.”  They came, they saw, they left. No offer.

The months wore on. I was tired. I was exhausted.  I was without my husband, and I was emotionally spent with no end of the trail in sight.  (I have a new appreciation for widows and single moms.)

One day in early spring, my husband suggested we rent, get someone in the house, and get us moved out there.  Had he suggested that at the start, I would have popped the idea out of the air like an expert skeet shooter.  But the timing was perfect, and his idea was well-received.  I put out the word to the community and immediately had interest from two families.  One of the families saw the house and the yard as perfect for them and seven children.  The timing was perfect for them as well. 

This meant really hauling to pack up and go.  Our deadline was the end of May in 2010.  My husband would come home, help us finish up, load up the truck and off we would go.  I knew when he would be home.  I knew his help was on the way.  But it was over a month before his arrival and I could go no further.  I wanted to drop my backpack right there and quit.  I did set it down, cry me a river, and told the Lord how I could not take another step.  I hit a wall.  The bugs were biting.  My feet were killin’ me.  He brought to mind the lessons of the hikes, of getting to the end of the trail. He encouraged me and cheered me on.  “Don’t give up.  Finish the job.  You’re almost there.  You. are. almost. there.”    My mind scanned the mental images of the Smokies, the Tetons…and the quitting.  Since my husband was not there to retrieve my backpack for me, I picked it up, threw it over my tired shoulders, and plodded on.  

Still ahead was moving away from my mommy, my friends, and my siblings to a place far away.  Still ahead was unpacking everything and loading it into storage.  Still ahead was finding a new home, establishing ourselves in a new community, of finding new friends and new home schooling contacts (and profound loneliness, the subject of a blog yet to come.)

We moved in May of ’10, got situated, and picked up with our homeschooling where we left off that fall, fully expecting to be a year “behind”.   At the beginning of the 2013-2014 school year, my oldest asked if he could graduate with the class of 2014. I did not hesitate to remind him of the moving year that set us back.  He pressed me to count his credits and I was amazed.  The Lord not only made up the time (refer to the verse above), but Michael had more than enough to earn his diploma.

My friend and I often joke about the lessons in perseverance, getting out the bug spray, and we wonder why we can’t have other lessons for a while.  We know it can’t be otherwise, of course. 

Maybe you're facing some kind of major change in your life.  Maybe someone close has passed and you need time to grieve.  Go ahead and allow yourself time to grieve.  Maybe you, too, are facing a move.  You can focus on the moving.  Maybe you or someone you know has received some dreaded news from the doctor and you are not only in shock, but you have to think about how to deal with it in the days ahead. Perhaps you have lost a job and the bills are mounting up.   Whatever it is, it is no surprise to God, and "...He knows our frame and remembers that we are dust."  Psalm 103:14  Ask Him for refreshment, for strength, and how He wants you to proceed.

“And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;  and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”  Romans 5:3-5

Lonely? Maybe It’s Not Because You Smell Bad

I am sure most of us can recall times when we have known profound loneliness.  It seems like our friends have fled and we are left to wonder what it is we have done that may have driven them away.  We never forsake the deodorant and regular bathing.    We have combed over conversations that may give a hint of something gone awry.  We cannot recall anything significant.   We pray for the Lord to reveal just what may be going on. 

One such period of time took place when my boys were in their younger elementary age years.  We belonged to a home school support group with lots of people to socialize with and younger ones for the boys to befriend.  They were doing fine.  I was not.  People just seemed to move away from me.  Next thing I knew, I had very few (count maybe three) friends that were still around.  For me, that is significant because I am a social person.  I run in several crowds.

The way people were dropping off like flies was indicative that surely something was up.  It was happening within a relatively short period of time.  Not everyone was necessarily being hostile, save for one.  I just found myself being left out of social circles - all at once.  I then knew something had to be up with the Lord.  I prayed about why this could be.  It is often the case that poetry flows out of my heart during the times of pruning and pain.  As He answered, I wrote down what I sensed Him saying with verse. 

What About Us?

Spring, 2004

"Lord God, my heart hurts! I cried to Him today.

It seems as though some I love are no longer here to stay.

This couple out and out ignores the letters that I send.

How is it that they no longer listen to this friend?

A longtime friend betrayed me just the other day.

This beloved friend hurt me deeply in this way.

On one side of a sister’s mouth she tells us you’re her Lord

And in the next breath slices hearts with bitter and hardened words.

My heart is heavy, I groaned to Him. It’s hard for me to see,

The reason for this pruning to grow Your heart in me.

All I know is the loneliness I feel by those who walk away.

Did I say something wrong? Is there retribution I must pay?

I shared my heartache with my husband; he stood there, calmly hearing.

He offered comforting, consoling words, my burden with me bearing.

After the kids were tucked in bed, I sat on my own bed reflecting.

My soul was quiet before the Lord, ready for His perfecting.

“When you seem to lose your friends,” He said lovingly, yet with sorrow,

You weep and cry and bereave your loss as if there’s no tomorrow.

Do you weep and cry when you and I are separated?”

“No, I don’t,” I had to reply, my heart within prostrated.

“Would that you weep and cry for us, when you walk away.

And mourn in that deep, deep chasm that develops when you stray.”

“You’re right, Dear Lord.  It’s true.  I do take You for granted.

Your unconditional love for me is perfect and unslanted.

In the back of my mind, I know that You are always there. 

So I flippantly toss about the love that without measure You share.

To teach me this, You had to take away what mattered to me most;

To show me what was taking Your place and in that which I boast.

When friends are all around us, our world can seem complete.

But it’s then that we are anywhere but sitting loyally at Your feet."

As dear as my friends are, it is a weakness for me to make them more my focus than Him, and to depend on them when I am in the depths of pain rather than the Lord.  There is not a friend on the planet, however dear and altruistic their friendship, who can deal with the deep things of my heart in a way that He can. 

I have had to repeatedly remember that the Lord “…often withdrew to the wilderness and prayed.”  Luke 5:16    He did not entrust Himself to His friends when times got tough – which was a regular thing for Him.  John 2:24-25 says, “But Jesus did not entrust Himself to them, for He knew all men, and did not need anyone to testify concerning man, for He knew all men.” 

I sometimes find myself getting back in the habit of going to my friends with my hurts before going to the Lord and waiting for Him to renew my strength.  He often doesn’t act in my timetable, so I figure I have to find relief in my own ways.  Oh, the reward of waiting, though.  “But those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength…”  Isaiah 40:31

Since that time there have been other seasons of profound loneliness more painful than that.  I have to remind myself that He is all I need.  If I were the only one left on the planet, there is my El Roi, the God Who sees me.  When I have Him, I have everything.