Lonely? Maybe It’s Not Because You Smell Bad

I am sure most of us can recall times when we have known profound loneliness.  It seems like our friends have fled and we are left to wonder what it is we have done that may have driven them away.  We never forsake the deodorant and regular bathing.    We have combed over conversations that may give a hint of something gone awry.  We cannot recall anything significant.   We pray for the Lord to reveal just what may be going on. 

One such period of time took place when my boys were in their younger elementary age years.  We belonged to a home school support group with lots of people to socialize with and younger ones for the boys to befriend.  They were doing fine.  I was not.  People just seemed to move away from me.  Next thing I knew, I had very few (count maybe three) friends that were still around.  For me, that is significant because I am a social person.  I run in several crowds.

The way people were dropping off like flies was indicative that surely something was up.  It was happening within a relatively short period of time.  Not everyone was necessarily being hostile, save for one.  I just found myself being left out of social circles - all at once.  I then knew something had to be up with the Lord.  I prayed about why this could be.  It is often the case that poetry flows out of my heart during the times of pruning and pain.  As He answered, I wrote down what I sensed Him saying with verse. 

What About Us?

Spring, 2004

"Lord God, my heart hurts! I cried to Him today.

It seems as though some I love are no longer here to stay.

This couple out and out ignores the letters that I send.

How is it that they no longer listen to this friend?

A longtime friend betrayed me just the other day.

This beloved friend hurt me deeply in this way.

On one side of a sister’s mouth she tells us you’re her Lord

And in the next breath slices hearts with bitter and hardened words.

My heart is heavy, I groaned to Him. It’s hard for me to see,

The reason for this pruning to grow Your heart in me.

All I know is the loneliness I feel by those who walk away.

Did I say something wrong? Is there retribution I must pay?

I shared my heartache with my husband; he stood there, calmly hearing.

He offered comforting, consoling words, my burden with me bearing.

After the kids were tucked in bed, I sat on my own bed reflecting.

My soul was quiet before the Lord, ready for His perfecting.

“When you seem to lose your friends,” He said lovingly, yet with sorrow,

You weep and cry and bereave your loss as if there’s no tomorrow.

Do you weep and cry when you and I are separated?”

“No, I don’t,” I had to reply, my heart within prostrated.

“Would that you weep and cry for us, when you walk away.

And mourn in that deep, deep chasm that develops when you stray.”

“You’re right, Dear Lord.  It’s true.  I do take You for granted.

Your unconditional love for me is perfect and unslanted.

In the back of my mind, I know that You are always there. 

So I flippantly toss about the love that without measure You share.

To teach me this, You had to take away what mattered to me most;

To show me what was taking Your place and in that which I boast.

When friends are all around us, our world can seem complete.

But it’s then that we are anywhere but sitting loyally at Your feet."

As dear as my friends are, it is a weakness for me to make them more my focus than Him, and to depend on them when I am in the depths of pain rather than the Lord.  There is not a friend on the planet, however dear and altruistic their friendship, who can deal with the deep things of my heart in a way that He can. 

I have had to repeatedly remember that the Lord “…often withdrew to the wilderness and prayed.”  Luke 5:16    He did not entrust Himself to His friends when times got tough – which was a regular thing for Him.  John 2:24-25 says, “But Jesus did not entrust Himself to them, for He knew all men, and did not need anyone to testify concerning man, for He knew all men.” 

I sometimes find myself getting back in the habit of going to my friends with my hurts before going to the Lord and waiting for Him to renew my strength.  He often doesn’t act in my timetable, so I figure I have to find relief in my own ways.  Oh, the reward of waiting, though.  “But those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength…”  Isaiah 40:31

Since that time there have been other seasons of profound loneliness more painful than that.  I have to remind myself that He is all I need.  If I were the only one left on the planet, there is my El Roi, the God Who sees me.  When I have Him, I have everything.