Shop 'Til You Drop - Relationship Style

I just read something this week that riles me because of the attitude behind it.  It is nothing new, but the fact that it has become commonplace is a measuring rod that is indicative of the throw-away attitude of our culture.  Everything has to work now or it gets tossed.  

How many of us mourn the disappearance of appliances that worked for years?  Your toaster is no longer made of metal.  It is cheap plastic that will break down within a matter of a few short years.  It isn't worth fixing, because a new one is less expensive than a repaired one.  And where would you take it anyway?  You don't see small appliance repair shops.  The same with your blender.  Or microwave.   Or printer.  Broken?  Toss it. Buy a new one.

How many of us have wished we could go back to the days of quality, when things could be repaired, and we'd get many years of faithful service?  What I am talking about is nothing new.  People have been lamenting these things for years.  

How about our marriages?  Broken?  Toss it.  Get a new one.  Chalk it up to irreconcilable differences.  That seems to justify it well and allows one to move forward guilt-free.  In fact, don't marry.  Live together and test each other out.  Plug your partner in.  See if they spark.  If they do, unplug and toss.  Take them for a test run.  Worn out?  Ditch them.  

Here is the link to said article that I find disturbing - particularly the very last bullet of her shopping list.  All but two of these are great ideas - if you're married.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wendy-atterberry/15-things-couples-should-_b_6061834.html?fb_comment_id=fbc_738193942934694_738261769594578_738261769594578#f856d74f8

But let's examine bullets 3 and 15 a little more closely.

#3 says:  Reach an agreement on how rent/mortage and household expenses will be split."

Split?  Really?  So, what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours, but we really love each other and are committed to trying to make this work?  Share a domicile.  Share a bed.  Share a bathroom - or not.  But what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours.  This is red light number one.  Already a tape line down the middle.  That is not relationship.  That is why "they" call it cohabitation.

#15:  "Have an exit strategy(Who keeps the apartment in the event of a breakup?  Will the person moving out find a new roommate for the person staying?  What about the deposit on the apartment?  Etc., etc.)."

And here, folks, is the disposable part.  Have a plan if he or she doesn't work out.  Cross them off your shopping list.  Thing about finding them another human being to replace you.  Go to the store and find another human being on the shelf.  Read the tag and ask about the return policy.  Take them home for a test drive.  If things get rocky, toss them out.  Go back to the store and look for another.  Lather. Rinse.  Repeat.

Well, hey, keep that shopping list, because I don't know of a single relationship that isn't tested with everything it's got when the going get's tough.  And it will.  It will get very tough.  I responded to this post, and what I got in return were comments made by people who decided that morals and commitment are old-fashioned.  I am copying the conversation here for your to see for yourself, omitting the names of strangers.  (I copied this verbatim, so grammatical and spelling errors are what they are.)

Hilary Laufle Osborne: Get married.

Commenter #1: Correct!

Commenter #2: No,  don't get married and raise the divorce rates. I think your missing the point of the article. It's not about jumping into cohabitation, its the exact opposite. She's saying you should be in a serious long term relationship before you move in. People tend to forget reality and run right to the alter without really knowing the person they marry. Moving in with someone is serious, but getting married is even more serious. Unless you plan on being old fashioned in all levels of a relationship, you should be smart about making plans with your partner in life.

Me to Commenter #2:  If you aren't interested in marriage, why would you care about divorce rates? Non-commitment is non-commitment.

Commenter #1: Commenter #2, bottom line, you don't leave together unless you are married. GOD SAID IT!

Commenter #2:  Commenter #1, leave? "You" don't live together unless you are married. Other people can do whatever they want. If they choose to move in first, that is their decision. Some people choose to rush into marriage and end up divorced in a few month time. All because they rushed into doing what they thought "god" wanted. These are the same people who pick and choose which pieces of the bible they want to follow. Stop being simple minded and realize there are plenty of people who are not religious and don't believe in god or marriage. There are also people who do, that take marriage very serious and don't want to get married unless they are 100 percent sure they will be with that person forever. This could mean being with that person longer than 1 year and living with them . when it comes down to it, you really don't know a person until you have lived with them.

Me:  And you really don't know your commitment moxie until you're married. True commitment that doesn't have - as the last bullet in the author's list of guidelines - an exit strategy. When you live together, there is always the exit strategy in the back of your head. Every single person you live with, married or not, is going to have you t*h*i*n*k*i*n*g of an exit strategy. Every person on the planet in any kind of close relationship is going to have their mettle tested. The question is, do you have the moxie to stay in the relationship? Because nothing screams more of "I am only testing you out and if you don't work out I throw you away" than living together. Yes, too many people have that attitude going into marriage - the obvious reason for the high divorce rates. And I'll be completely honest with you. As a Christian, I have often thought of exit strategies in my marriage. I am human, and even though my husband and I love each other very much, I still think of exit strategies. After 28 years of marriage, do you know why I don't follow through? Because it is Jesus Christ who makes it work every day, Who challenges me to think through on my options and the consequences of giving up. Exit strategies work if you are in an active shooter situation. Exit strategies do not work with people. They are not dispensable. So the faith that you bash when it comes to the reason people stay in marriage is the very thing that keeps us glued and committed to working it out, even when it's tougher than all get-up.

I am not a try-out. Neither is anyone else on the planet. That makes people cheap. That makes relationships cheap.

Someone else made my same suggestion about getting married.  Note that I said nothing about my religious views here.  My mentioning morals is presumed as a taboo, religious thing.  My family has morals, but not all of them have any kind of faith.  But, I digress.

Him: 1. Get married first.

Commenter #1: Got that right!

Commenter #2:  This isn't the 1950's.

Me:  Commenter #2, when did having morals go out of style? Do you condone an "anything goes" society? Because if you do, you have to carry that to your own logical end. 

Commenter #3: Marriage has NOTHING at all to do with morals. Marriage is a religious ceremony. It is wrong to assume that everyone in the entire world agrees with your religious views, and wants to take part in the same religious ceremonies as you do.  

Me: Commenter #3,  it does. Food for thought. If you are dating someone, and they are seeing someone behind your back, you would feel betrayed, yes? If you are living with someone and they cheat on you, you would feel betrayed. Why? Because you have a compass of right and wrong. That's what marriage is. Loyalty, companionship, etc......

Me:  Commenter #3, it does. Food for thought:  If you are dating someone, and they are seeing someone behind your back, you would feel betrayed, yes? If you are living with someone and they cheat on you, you would feel betrayed. Why? Because you have a compass of right and wrong. That's what marriage is. Loyalty, companionship, etc......

Commenter #3: Hilary Laufle Osborne, food for thought: If you're married to someone and they cheat on you, you would feel betrayed, yes? Just because you're married to someone does not always mean that cheating won't still happen. Most people in this generation have no idea what morals are much less abide to marriage vows and if you think I'm lying research what the divorce percentages are at now compared to whatever generation you're from and I'll bet you'll see a dramatic increase. Morals though haven't gone out of style, technology & the convenience of divorce have changed it to where they don't matter to many people anymore sadly.

Commenter #4: Hilary Laufle Osborne I agree that morals are important, but there is no correlation between marriage and morals. Being married does not automatically cause a person to have higher moral standards. I've been in a healthy relationship with my significant other for over 12 years, and we are both perfectly content with the fact that we are not married. Would you believe that I am immoral because I am not married? Maybe my neighbor, who has been married 4 times, and divorced 3, is more moral than I am? 

Commenter #5: Hilary Laufle Osborne  disagreement with one of your beliefs is not a lack of morality.

Me: Commenter #5, it isn't agreement with me that makes one moral or not. It's how you view the value of other people and relationships.

Some days my marriage works.  Some days it doesn’t.  Like all marriages and relationships, it’s finicky that way.  The two people involved in it have faults, quirks, gifts and talents, and are about as opposite as oil and vinegar.  But it’s when we get shaken up and out of our comfort zones, we work.  Our marriage works.  And, it doesn’t reach a “best if used by” deadline. 

Remember when toasters worked and cohabitation was called ‘shacking up’?  But since this isn’t the 1950’s anymore, I guess I should get in the groove of the disposable mindset.  Today is garbage day and it hasn’t been collected yet.  It’s not too late to put my imperfect marriage out with the trash heap.  Because what is the value of another human being anyway?