You Are Not Alone

My dear friend, Maureen, is a gifted writer.  Each day I am one of many blessed to receive her heart as she pours forth from her keyboard.  I wanted today's blog to be from her.

And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year
"Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown."
And He replied,
"Go out into the darkness and put thine hand into the hand of God.
That shall be to thee better than any light
and safer than any known way."
~M.L. Haskins

     Years ago, when I homeschooled the children, we belonged to a weekly enrichment group which offered classes taught by parents.  These group experiences offered a contrast to the home learning situation and expanded the areas in which our children could participate.  Art, music, drama, debate, theme papers, theme subjects, and on and on.  One of our classes for the pre-school/kindergarten group was called "Community Helpers".  I was blessed to be one of the assistants in that class, and I still remember vividly what I learned as part of it.

     One of the weeks, we invited a police officer to come and present to the little ones.  He was young, soft-spoken and exuded kindness.  He interacted beautifully with the children, showing respect and consideration for them and how their young minds would be both curious, frightened and in awe of his uniform and weapons.  One by one, the officer explained what he wore and how the items would be used in the course of duty.  The children's eyes were huge.  I was delighted that they could see the finest qualities of respect emanating from this young man who took the significance of his role so seriously.  But I was blown away by what he shared at the end of his presentation.

     After explaining all about the things he wore and how they helped him do his duty, he quietly explained one more thing.  He told the children that many times his job requires him to enter scary places, like dark buildings with lots of shadows and places for people to hide who may want to hurt him.  He pointed out that he often must enter those buildings all alone; never knowing what might be waiting for him.  The young, strong officer said that the MOST important thing that he takes with him on the job is God.  He shared that, after he puts on his uniform each day, the last thing he does is to pray and put on the protection of God.  He explained that it is way more powerful than any club or gun.  He said that lots of times he is really afraid but he knows that if God goes with him, it is his best protection.  He ended by telling the children that there will be places they will be scared, but that they, too, can take the protection of God with them.  It made the Scripture about "the armor of God" suddenly and profoundly come alive for me.

     In my mind, I have blessed that young officer so many times since then.  His testimony has given me courage, too.  I pray that he has many opportunities to witness to others...both young and old...who need to cling to that certainty.

     Lately, through a variety of circumstances, I have been thinking heavily about all the times we must face things alone.  With our children, there are times we must stand still and watch them walk away from us to a new stage in life (from kindergarten to college to marriage to ministry and vocation to join the armed forces, and so on).  We must stand by and watch them bravely step into fearful, painful places with lots of shadows.  I recently had to watch my daughter disappear behind the big swinging doors in the hospital operating room...now that she is 18, I am kept out and am only summoned when it is all over.  My friend, JoAnn, watched as her son, Nick, stepped away to board a plane to take him halfway around the world to Hawaii.  His second time flying; his first time flying alone.  Many of my friends must face the lonely car ride home as their children get settled in dorm rooms.  My friend, Cathy, shared a photo of her granddaughter standing proud...and alone...as she was sworn in as a Marine.  Watching our children bravely step away seems to be such a universally hard moment.

     But, even as seasoned adults, there are so many moments in life that, no matter how much those who love us want to share the experience with us; to "be there" with us, we must go through things alone.  We must face trials at work alone.  We must pick up the phone when the doctor calls and receive the pathology results alone.  We must be put under anesthesia alone. We must jump out of all kinds of planes alone.  Whether or not there are people "around us", we must say goodbye to a loved one alone and watch the casket lid close alone.  We must step into eternity alone.  The word "alone" also has had new and piercing meaning for me lately.

     But, our gracious God has used that concept to firmly establish the fact that I truly am NEVER alone.  He goes with me into all things; into all the shadows, into all the fires, out of all the planes. And He will never leave me, no matter how scorching the fire or how constant the echoes of evil; He dispels the darkness.  He quiets the voices within me that seek to terrorize me.  He holds my hand.  He holds me close. The Lord replaced the five letters of the word "alone" with five words to cling to with certainty:  "I will NEVER leave you."  And holding tight to that promise, I step out into the darkness and safely make it through to the Light.

An open letter to my sons...

Dear Michael and Drew,

Not so long ago, I was a young girl who, like any other young girl, dreamed of the man who would meet me at the end of the aisle.  I know that seems like it was back in the medieval ages, but to me it was yesterday.  No matter what, a girl is a girl is a girl, regardless of when she is born.

Assuming you are going to marry (and your dad and I look forward to each of your very special days), each of you will wait at the end of the aisle to take your beautiful bride from her father, who is going to entrust her to your care.

This father has worried over her.  She is probably his princess.  He has an arsenal of shotguns for the first guy who breaks her heart, or uses her, or mistreats her.  When she was a little one, she twirled for her daddy in her best dress.  She danced with him.  All this for you, believe it or not.  These steps were the first ones she took in hoping for someone who will love her without condition.  And if he is worth his salt as a dad, he has treasured her beyond measure.  He has worried about her whereabouts, about her safety.  He worries while she's out.  He worries when she's in.  A good dad does that.

And he knows that one day, his heart is going to be so full of pride.  That will be the day when he will be one of the first to see her in her wedding dress, getting ready for you.  He is going to extend his arm for her to take and walk her down that aisle to you.  And his heart is going to shatter in a million pieces, because he knows that she has become a woman, and she will be yours.  The pastor will ask, "Who gives this woman to be wed?"  And he will answer, "Her mother and I."  He will release her to you.  She will join your arm, and you will, hopefully, stand before God together as you go forward with your vows.  He will then take his seat, this chapter of life with his baby girl over forever.

What kind of man will you be, that he will be able to trust you with caring for her?

Meanwhile, as this little princess is twirling for her daddy and dancing on his shoes, she is looking forward to the day she weds you.  As she grows, she is paging through magazine after magazine with countless images of wedding gowns, looking for the one that will flatter her most, that will make your head spin when you see her; that will make you think she is the most beautiful woman on the planet and you the luckiest man.

Right now, she is probably on Pinterest, pinning wedding bands, wedding gowns, ideas for vows, pictures of shoes, hairdos.  She has written her name as a Mrs. on a doodle pad more times than you have revved your car.  She is pondering how you will propose.  She is misting up at her response, when she will say "yes."  She has already decided on a theme for the reception and where it will be and who will be on the guest list.  She is dreaming of slipping into the gown she has chosen for you, placing the veil on her head, doing her nails, giggling with her bridesmaids.

She will take her daddy's arm, wait for the doors to open, wait for the cue of the wedding music, and meet your eyes, her handsome groom all cleaned up for her.  Her gaze will be fixed on you as she walks that white runner.  Her daddy will kiss her, she will join you and you will not be able to take your eyes off each other.  You will share the vows you will have each carefully written.

Even now, she is looking at furniture for your home, thinking of color schemes.  She is looking at baby cribs, and baby quilts.  She already has determined how many children you will have together; how many boys, how many girls.  And she rehearses your names in her heart over, and over, and over.  The Osborne family.  Mr. and Mrs. Michael or Andrew Osborne.

Today you are worried about today.  But think ahead about your wedding day.  Think of the girl who will win your heart.  Will it be 100% intact for her, or will you present it to her with the blood-stained residue of past heartbreak?  Will you meet her at the end of the aisle with a suitcase of stories and baggage at your feet? Stories of times you were with girls who were not her?  Will there be pieces of your heart missing, or will it be fully yours to give along with the ring you place on her finger?

I hope you marry the girl that expects 100% from you.  I hope you marry a girl who is saving 100% of herself for you.  Both of you are lady-killers.  By the world's standards, that is good thing.  But by the Lord's standards, it is not.  The girl you may be attracted to now is that girl who is dreaming of all the things I just told you about.  She is most likely not setting her eyes on you for a fling.  She is, by design, looking for the man who will promise himself to her in marriage.  Can you look at any girl in her eyes and tell her you want her hand in marriage?  If not, think.  Think of the heartbreak. Think of the lies you would telling her by wooing her with no intent to take her as your own.  She is not merchandise on the shelf of the supermarket.  She is a human being fashioned in the image of God  - like you.  And you would be wise not to break her heart any more than you would want God to break yours.  He wouldn't. He wants the same of you.

If you blow it, we are not ashamed of you.  We are not disappointed in you.  If we are anything, we are determined to help you get to where you should be with all the love we have for you.  We want God's best for you, for your future wife, for your kids.

And no matter what, we love you so much.  You can take that to the bank.

When Life Preempts Home Schooling

"Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locusts have eaten."  Joel 2:25

"...the testing of your faith produces perseverance."  James 1:3

The Lord has a way of using the most unexpected things to get our attention.   The hikes we took (see last two blog entries) continue to resonate in the lessons He teaches me about perseverance, and how He rebuilds our lives from what looks like devastation.

The one that stands out in particular involves our time of moving from Michigan to Denver.  My husband was out of a job and had to take up a contract position for six months in the Denver area, hoping he would get hired permanently.   Because of Michigan’s dire economy, we had no choice.  My two boys and I tearfully waved goodbye to him in the summer of ’09, not knowing when we would see him again.  After three months on the job, he was offered a permanent position and we knew God was telling us to relocate.  That left me responsible for the bulk of the relocating part.  

There was prepping the house to sell and keeping it spotless for showing, all while maintaining a huge yard and homeschooling our sons.  The ceramic tile in the kitchen needed to be broken up and replaced, so the three of us demolished it with hammers, a lot of sweat, and dust that covered everything despite my best efforts to keep it to a minimum.  I learned how to fix the garage door when it got stuck.  Each time I had to take care of something unfamiliar, I felt a sense of accomplishment.  (If you need help shopping for a gas line for your dryer, give me a shout.)  But by the time December rolled around, I felt like someone at the circus who keeps all those plates spinning on sticks.  The boys’ homeschooling was going by the wayside and I was, for lack of a better term, freaking out.    

I called a veteran home school mom whose kids were grown, as she had taken on the role of consultant for those moms in the area still in the thick of it.  I poured out my tears and explained my dilemma.  Her response was straight from the Lord.  She said, “Hilary, set aside the schooling.  God’s grace will make up for it.  He doesn’t expect you to do all this and keep up with school.  Let it go and you can pick it up later.  If your sons graduate a year later, so what?  God will redeem all of it.“  So, I set down the home schooling plate and focused on moving.  We did do a few lessons here and there as time permitted, but mostly the boys and I had to devote our time otherwise.

We showed the house no less than 26 times with not one offer.  I was so exasperated at the responses that I finally told the agent, prior to the last showing, “Tell them we do not have stainless steel appliances, cherry cabinets, and granite counter tops.  Then ask them if they still want to see it – because I am not wasting my time on another showing where people want HGTV perfect.”  They came, they saw, they left. No offer.

The months wore on. I was tired. I was exhausted.  I was without my husband, and I was emotionally spent with no end of the trail in sight.  (I have a new appreciation for widows and single moms.)

One day in early spring, my husband suggested we rent, get someone in the house, and get us moved out there.  Had he suggested that at the start, I would have popped the idea out of the air like an expert skeet shooter.  But the timing was perfect, and his idea was well-received.  I put out the word to the community and immediately had interest from two families.  One of the families saw the house and the yard as perfect for them and seven children.  The timing was perfect for them as well. 

This meant really hauling to pack up and go.  Our deadline was the end of May in 2010.  My husband would come home, help us finish up, load up the truck and off we would go.  I knew when he would be home.  I knew his help was on the way.  But it was over a month before his arrival and I could go no further.  I wanted to drop my backpack right there and quit.  I did set it down, cry me a river, and told the Lord how I could not take another step.  I hit a wall.  The bugs were biting.  My feet were killin’ me.  He brought to mind the lessons of the hikes, of getting to the end of the trail. He encouraged me and cheered me on.  “Don’t give up.  Finish the job.  You’re almost there.  You. are. almost. there.”    My mind scanned the mental images of the Smokies, the Tetons…and the quitting.  Since my husband was not there to retrieve my backpack for me, I picked it up, threw it over my tired shoulders, and plodded on.  

Still ahead was moving away from my mommy, my friends, and my siblings to a place far away.  Still ahead was unpacking everything and loading it into storage.  Still ahead was finding a new home, establishing ourselves in a new community, of finding new friends and new home schooling contacts (and profound loneliness, the subject of a blog yet to come.)

We moved in May of ’10, got situated, and picked up with our homeschooling where we left off that fall, fully expecting to be a year “behind”.   At the beginning of the 2013-2014 school year, my oldest asked if he could graduate with the class of 2014. I did not hesitate to remind him of the moving year that set us back.  He pressed me to count his credits and I was amazed.  The Lord not only made up the time (refer to the verse above), but Michael had more than enough to earn his diploma.

My friend and I often joke about the lessons in perseverance, getting out the bug spray, and we wonder why we can’t have other lessons for a while.  We know it can’t be otherwise, of course. 

Maybe you're facing some kind of major change in your life.  Maybe someone close has passed and you need time to grieve.  Go ahead and allow yourself time to grieve.  Maybe you, too, are facing a move.  You can focus on the moving.  Maybe you or someone you know has received some dreaded news from the doctor and you are not only in shock, but you have to think about how to deal with it in the days ahead. Perhaps you have lost a job and the bills are mounting up.   Whatever it is, it is no surprise to God, and "...He knows our frame and remembers that we are dust."  Psalm 103:14  Ask Him for refreshment, for strength, and how He wants you to proceed.

“And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;  and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”  Romans 5:3-5

Lonely? Maybe It’s Not Because You Smell Bad

I am sure most of us can recall times when we have known profound loneliness.  It seems like our friends have fled and we are left to wonder what it is we have done that may have driven them away.  We never forsake the deodorant and regular bathing.    We have combed over conversations that may give a hint of something gone awry.  We cannot recall anything significant.   We pray for the Lord to reveal just what may be going on. 

One such period of time took place when my boys were in their younger elementary age years.  We belonged to a home school support group with lots of people to socialize with and younger ones for the boys to befriend.  They were doing fine.  I was not.  People just seemed to move away from me.  Next thing I knew, I had very few (count maybe three) friends that were still around.  For me, that is significant because I am a social person.  I run in several crowds.

The way people were dropping off like flies was indicative that surely something was up.  It was happening within a relatively short period of time.  Not everyone was necessarily being hostile, save for one.  I just found myself being left out of social circles - all at once.  I then knew something had to be up with the Lord.  I prayed about why this could be.  It is often the case that poetry flows out of my heart during the times of pruning and pain.  As He answered, I wrote down what I sensed Him saying with verse. 

What About Us?

Spring, 2004

"Lord God, my heart hurts! I cried to Him today.

It seems as though some I love are no longer here to stay.

This couple out and out ignores the letters that I send.

How is it that they no longer listen to this friend?

A longtime friend betrayed me just the other day.

This beloved friend hurt me deeply in this way.

On one side of a sister’s mouth she tells us you’re her Lord

And in the next breath slices hearts with bitter and hardened words.

My heart is heavy, I groaned to Him. It’s hard for me to see,

The reason for this pruning to grow Your heart in me.

All I know is the loneliness I feel by those who walk away.

Did I say something wrong? Is there retribution I must pay?

I shared my heartache with my husband; he stood there, calmly hearing.

He offered comforting, consoling words, my burden with me bearing.

After the kids were tucked in bed, I sat on my own bed reflecting.

My soul was quiet before the Lord, ready for His perfecting.

“When you seem to lose your friends,” He said lovingly, yet with sorrow,

You weep and cry and bereave your loss as if there’s no tomorrow.

Do you weep and cry when you and I are separated?”

“No, I don’t,” I had to reply, my heart within prostrated.

“Would that you weep and cry for us, when you walk away.

And mourn in that deep, deep chasm that develops when you stray.”

“You’re right, Dear Lord.  It’s true.  I do take You for granted.

Your unconditional love for me is perfect and unslanted.

In the back of my mind, I know that You are always there. 

So I flippantly toss about the love that without measure You share.

To teach me this, You had to take away what mattered to me most;

To show me what was taking Your place and in that which I boast.

When friends are all around us, our world can seem complete.

But it’s then that we are anywhere but sitting loyally at Your feet."

As dear as my friends are, it is a weakness for me to make them more my focus than Him, and to depend on them when I am in the depths of pain rather than the Lord.  There is not a friend on the planet, however dear and altruistic their friendship, who can deal with the deep things of my heart in a way that He can. 

I have had to repeatedly remember that the Lord “…often withdrew to the wilderness and prayed.”  Luke 5:16    He did not entrust Himself to His friends when times got tough – which was a regular thing for Him.  John 2:24-25 says, “But Jesus did not entrust Himself to them, for He knew all men, and did not need anyone to testify concerning man, for He knew all men.” 

I sometimes find myself getting back in the habit of going to my friends with my hurts before going to the Lord and waiting for Him to renew my strength.  He often doesn’t act in my timetable, so I figure I have to find relief in my own ways.  Oh, the reward of waiting, though.  “But those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength…”  Isaiah 40:31

Since that time there have been other seasons of profound loneliness more painful than that.  I have to remind myself that He is all I need.  If I were the only one left on the planet, there is my El Roi, the God Who sees me.  When I have Him, I have everything.  

What does the Bible say about Santa?

You prolly saw the title for this blog and thought, “Uh, nothing, Hil.  The Bible never mentions Santa!”  Oh, but it does in a large sense.  If you will give me a moment I will share Scripture that my husband and I have leaned on for years when it comes to Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, etc.  Seeing that this is a controversial subject and it comes up every year around this time of year, what’s one more blog about it?

My kids are long past the age of make-believe.  Marty and I didn’t teach them to fantasize about anything.  We didn’t tell them that someone other than Christ gave them anything.  Sure, we go to the store and buy their Christmas and birthday gifts, but they know that ultimately, the blessing comes from the Lord – which includes Marty’s job and paycheck.

Many argue that it’s ok to tell their kids that Santa is Jesus’s errand boy, so to speak.  But is that giving the full measure of glory to the Lord?  If I took the time to shop for, or even make a gift to give to someone, I have done it out of my heart.  How insulted would I be if, when I went to a shower, the bride or mother-to-be was presented with my gift and told that the person who handed it to her gets the credit because that person was the go-between?  Very much so.  I would have taken the time to check the gift registry.  I would have taken the time to pick something out, pay for it, wrap it, and bring it to her.  No way is someone else going to take credit for that!  And what if the bride thanked someone else for the gift I gave knowing full well my name was on the gift card?  I would be pret-ty miffed!

“But Santa can be shown kneeling before the Cross!” so the contention goes.  Just like any other figments of my imagination.  They are in my head.  But they aren’t God.  They aren’t the One Who gave Himself fully for me on that Cross.

Here are a just a few of the verses we stand on.

Exodus 20:1-6

 “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

 You shall have no other gods before me.

You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below.  You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love Me and keep My commandments.”

The name God uses for Himself when He calls Himself Lord is “eternal God.”  Revelation 1:8 says, “I am the Alpha and the Omega, says the Lord God, who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty.”  

Jealous means just that – not to be equated with school girl territorial spats.  It means that God is Who He says He is and has every right to say that nothing shall come before Him.  He will not stand in anyone’s shadow.  He made the shadows. 

If God is Who He says He is, I don't want to mess with that.

Next: 
 Isaiah 42:8

“I am the LORD: that is My name: and My glory will I not give to another, neither My praise to graven images.”

He wants credit given where credit is due.  He is the Only One to be worshipped, to be thanked, to be adored.  Rightfully so.  His Son gave His full life for us on the Cross.

Next: 

James 1:17

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” 

The concept of the small god, Santa, is fashioned after a man.  Yes, there was a St. Nicholas who was a really generous guy.  My dad was generous, too, but I think he would roll over in his grave if anyone idolized him.  And, St. Nicholas was still a sinner who needed salvation like the rest of us.  He, like us, changed like shifting shadows with the next fickle whim that came along. And he didn’t die on the Cross for me.

The modern Santa puts full condition on the recipients of presents.  Bad or good.  Naughty or nice.  So much so that children are taught grace by performance.  Write to Santa and tell him what you want.  Tell him you’ve been good this year.  See if the sugar daddy will bring you what your heart lusts after. 

Until the Sears catalogue went out of print, children everywhere awaited the arrival of the Christmas edition in mail.  The eyes scanned each item on each page of the toy section, and copious lists were made in the hopes that something – or many things – would be under the tree.  I was taught to lust after stuff.  I still do to some degree, and I have to do some self-correction when I find myself wanting things I don’t need.

God is no sugar daddy.  He is generous, kind, wonderful, patient, loving – but not a spineless wimp.  His gifts are not deserved by anyone.  No one can earn anything.  They are fully of His grace.  Each breath I take, each time I get up and walk, each time I have a morsel of food to put in my mouth to satisfy my hunger pangs - all are by His grace.

Which brings me to my final verse (although I know the list cannot be exhausted:)

I John 2:16

“For everything in the world--the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life--comes not from the Father but from the world.”  The One Who died on the Cross tells me to forsake everything.

I don’t believe God says we can’t give and receive gifts.  I don’t believe God says we can’t celebrate Christmas or the day of His resurrection.  If they are done in His name, for His name, and credit is fully given Him, why not? 

How do we do Christmas gifts with the boys?  They get three each to represent the gifts of the Magi.  They have never asked for more.  They know what to expect.  Yes, my kids lust after stuff like the rest of us.  I hope we have given them a good foundation, though.  I won’t sit here and tell you I am Wonder Mother who does charity work with my kids on holidays.  (We do that other times of the year with our home school groups.)  I won’t tell you that we have asked them to give up their favorite presents.  I won’t tell you that we have done thankfulness jars in which we place pieces of paper on which we have written things we are thankful for and then read through them at the end of the year.  I tried that.  It lasted about…..a day.  I am not that disciplined. I once tried to do the “share something you’re thankful for” with extended family at Thanksgiving.  Awwwkward!   So I told them about my procedure instead.  (kidding)  To the parents who can pull off that stuff – God bless you.  I give you a lot of credit.   But I do hope Marty and I have modeled something for them through the things we have done. 

For the people who do choose to do these things with your kids: that is entirely up to you.  Our family is not your family.  And you don’t have to hide the fact that you do.  Marty and I are accountable for our own decisions.

Hence, my kids grew up without Santa and the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.  They don’t exist and I would be lying if I told them otherwise.  They crowd out the view of my Father and I believe they put Him to the test.  I don’t want their view of Him crowded out either.  My kids are not any worse for the wear. 

Shop 'Til You Drop - Relationship Style

I just read something this week that riles me because of the attitude behind it.  It is nothing new, but the fact that it has become commonplace is a measuring rod that is indicative of the throw-away attitude of our culture.  Everything has to work now or it gets tossed.  

How many of us mourn the disappearance of appliances that worked for years?  Your toaster is no longer made of metal.  It is cheap plastic that will break down within a matter of a few short years.  It isn't worth fixing, because a new one is less expensive than a repaired one.  And where would you take it anyway?  You don't see small appliance repair shops.  The same with your blender.  Or microwave.   Or printer.  Broken?  Toss it. Buy a new one.

How many of us have wished we could go back to the days of quality, when things could be repaired, and we'd get many years of faithful service?  What I am talking about is nothing new.  People have been lamenting these things for years.  

How about our marriages?  Broken?  Toss it.  Get a new one.  Chalk it up to irreconcilable differences.  That seems to justify it well and allows one to move forward guilt-free.  In fact, don't marry.  Live together and test each other out.  Plug your partner in.  See if they spark.  If they do, unplug and toss.  Take them for a test run.  Worn out?  Ditch them.  

Here is the link to said article that I find disturbing - particularly the very last bullet of her shopping list.  All but two of these are great ideas - if you're married.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wendy-atterberry/15-things-couples-should-_b_6061834.html?fb_comment_id=fbc_738193942934694_738261769594578_738261769594578#f856d74f8

But let's examine bullets 3 and 15 a little more closely.

#3 says:  Reach an agreement on how rent/mortage and household expenses will be split."

Split?  Really?  So, what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours, but we really love each other and are committed to trying to make this work?  Share a domicile.  Share a bed.  Share a bathroom - or not.  But what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours.  This is red light number one.  Already a tape line down the middle.  That is not relationship.  That is why "they" call it cohabitation.

#15:  "Have an exit strategy(Who keeps the apartment in the event of a breakup?  Will the person moving out find a new roommate for the person staying?  What about the deposit on the apartment?  Etc., etc.)."

And here, folks, is the disposable part.  Have a plan if he or she doesn't work out.  Cross them off your shopping list.  Thing about finding them another human being to replace you.  Go to the store and find another human being on the shelf.  Read the tag and ask about the return policy.  Take them home for a test drive.  If things get rocky, toss them out.  Go back to the store and look for another.  Lather. Rinse.  Repeat.

Well, hey, keep that shopping list, because I don't know of a single relationship that isn't tested with everything it's got when the going get's tough.  And it will.  It will get very tough.  I responded to this post, and what I got in return were comments made by people who decided that morals and commitment are old-fashioned.  I am copying the conversation here for your to see for yourself, omitting the names of strangers.  (I copied this verbatim, so grammatical and spelling errors are what they are.)

Hilary Laufle Osborne: Get married.

Commenter #1: Correct!

Commenter #2: No,  don't get married and raise the divorce rates. I think your missing the point of the article. It's not about jumping into cohabitation, its the exact opposite. She's saying you should be in a serious long term relationship before you move in. People tend to forget reality and run right to the alter without really knowing the person they marry. Moving in with someone is serious, but getting married is even more serious. Unless you plan on being old fashioned in all levels of a relationship, you should be smart about making plans with your partner in life.

Me to Commenter #2:  If you aren't interested in marriage, why would you care about divorce rates? Non-commitment is non-commitment.

Commenter #1: Commenter #2, bottom line, you don't leave together unless you are married. GOD SAID IT!

Commenter #2:  Commenter #1, leave? "You" don't live together unless you are married. Other people can do whatever they want. If they choose to move in first, that is their decision. Some people choose to rush into marriage and end up divorced in a few month time. All because they rushed into doing what they thought "god" wanted. These are the same people who pick and choose which pieces of the bible they want to follow. Stop being simple minded and realize there are plenty of people who are not religious and don't believe in god or marriage. There are also people who do, that take marriage very serious and don't want to get married unless they are 100 percent sure they will be with that person forever. This could mean being with that person longer than 1 year and living with them . when it comes down to it, you really don't know a person until you have lived with them.

Me:  And you really don't know your commitment moxie until you're married. True commitment that doesn't have - as the last bullet in the author's list of guidelines - an exit strategy. When you live together, there is always the exit strategy in the back of your head. Every single person you live with, married or not, is going to have you t*h*i*n*k*i*n*g of an exit strategy. Every person on the planet in any kind of close relationship is going to have their mettle tested. The question is, do you have the moxie to stay in the relationship? Because nothing screams more of "I am only testing you out and if you don't work out I throw you away" than living together. Yes, too many people have that attitude going into marriage - the obvious reason for the high divorce rates. And I'll be completely honest with you. As a Christian, I have often thought of exit strategies in my marriage. I am human, and even though my husband and I love each other very much, I still think of exit strategies. After 28 years of marriage, do you know why I don't follow through? Because it is Jesus Christ who makes it work every day, Who challenges me to think through on my options and the consequences of giving up. Exit strategies work if you are in an active shooter situation. Exit strategies do not work with people. They are not dispensable. So the faith that you bash when it comes to the reason people stay in marriage is the very thing that keeps us glued and committed to working it out, even when it's tougher than all get-up.

I am not a try-out. Neither is anyone else on the planet. That makes people cheap. That makes relationships cheap.

Someone else made my same suggestion about getting married.  Note that I said nothing about my religious views here.  My mentioning morals is presumed as a taboo, religious thing.  My family has morals, but not all of them have any kind of faith.  But, I digress.

Him: 1. Get married first.

Commenter #1: Got that right!

Commenter #2:  This isn't the 1950's.

Me:  Commenter #2, when did having morals go out of style? Do you condone an "anything goes" society? Because if you do, you have to carry that to your own logical end. 

Commenter #3: Marriage has NOTHING at all to do with morals. Marriage is a religious ceremony. It is wrong to assume that everyone in the entire world agrees with your religious views, and wants to take part in the same religious ceremonies as you do.  

Me: Commenter #3,  it does. Food for thought. If you are dating someone, and they are seeing someone behind your back, you would feel betrayed, yes? If you are living with someone and they cheat on you, you would feel betrayed. Why? Because you have a compass of right and wrong. That's what marriage is. Loyalty, companionship, etc......

Me:  Commenter #3, it does. Food for thought:  If you are dating someone, and they are seeing someone behind your back, you would feel betrayed, yes? If you are living with someone and they cheat on you, you would feel betrayed. Why? Because you have a compass of right and wrong. That's what marriage is. Loyalty, companionship, etc......

Commenter #3: Hilary Laufle Osborne, food for thought: If you're married to someone and they cheat on you, you would feel betrayed, yes? Just because you're married to someone does not always mean that cheating won't still happen. Most people in this generation have no idea what morals are much less abide to marriage vows and if you think I'm lying research what the divorce percentages are at now compared to whatever generation you're from and I'll bet you'll see a dramatic increase. Morals though haven't gone out of style, technology & the convenience of divorce have changed it to where they don't matter to many people anymore sadly.

Commenter #4: Hilary Laufle Osborne I agree that morals are important, but there is no correlation between marriage and morals. Being married does not automatically cause a person to have higher moral standards. I've been in a healthy relationship with my significant other for over 12 years, and we are both perfectly content with the fact that we are not married. Would you believe that I am immoral because I am not married? Maybe my neighbor, who has been married 4 times, and divorced 3, is more moral than I am? 

Commenter #5: Hilary Laufle Osborne  disagreement with one of your beliefs is not a lack of morality.

Me: Commenter #5, it isn't agreement with me that makes one moral or not. It's how you view the value of other people and relationships.

Some days my marriage works.  Some days it doesn’t.  Like all marriages and relationships, it’s finicky that way.  The two people involved in it have faults, quirks, gifts and talents, and are about as opposite as oil and vinegar.  But it’s when we get shaken up and out of our comfort zones, we work.  Our marriage works.  And, it doesn’t reach a “best if used by” deadline. 

Remember when toasters worked and cohabitation was called ‘shacking up’?  But since this isn’t the 1950’s anymore, I guess I should get in the groove of the disposable mindset.  Today is garbage day and it hasn’t been collected yet.  It’s not too late to put my imperfect marriage out with the trash heap.  Because what is the value of another human being anyway?

Hiking as an Object Lesson: Part II

So, after our hike in the Smokies, I told Marty that if I ever hiked again, it would be a day hike with new boots.  I would remember to break them in and tape my feet before putting them on.

Many moons ago, long before children, we took a trip to Jellystone (a.k.a. Yellowstone) National Park.  Marty wanted to hike in the Tetons, so I obliged him.  What could possibly be any worse than our Smoky Mountain debacle?  We packed up our backpacks with lunch, water, and Power Bars. 

After we crossed Jenny Lake by boat, we arrived at the trail head.  Now this was going to be pretty.  We were in a beautiful valley by a beautiful, swiftly-flowing mountain stream.  The Tetons towered majestically over us and I was in awe.  Many pictures were taken.  My feet were taped and comfortable in their soft boots.  I knew a soft bed awaited me at the end of the day.  This wouldn't be too bad after all.

Marty and I walked along eating our Power Bars.  I sang the Happy Hiker song and meant it.  (I don’t have the best voice, but really, I don’t care.)  It was a good day.  I was full of energy and spunk.  Not sure how long the trail was, but that was ok – until we got quite a ways along and out of the blue, horse flies the size of horses decided I was lunch.  Didn’t bother Marty.  I must have smelled like eau de toilet water or something, because they started biting hard.    Know why?  We brought no bug spray. What the hey?  How do you forget bug spray when in the wilderness?! 

Ok, party’s over.  Hilary has reached her limit.  There was no way of getting away from these behemoths and I couldn’t walk fast enough to keep them off.  I told Marty I was done.  Before I go further, let me tell you that our mothers appropriately named us The Bickersons.  Yes, we bicker a lot, mostly to pester. But we are also both strong-willed and easily butt heads.  Neither of us back down.  So right there, in the valley of decision, our voices ricocheted off the mountains in a bicker-off as people hiked by.  Marty thought it imperative that we get to the end of this particular trail.  He felt we were almost there.  I wasn’t concerned about the distance to the trail’s end and felt that we could have truly been some distance away.  No matter.  I was done.  I offered to meet him back at the trail head.  Marty would have none of that.  So we continued our “conversation” until he huffed, “Never mind, then.  We’ll go back.” 

I didn’t get that.  Go touch the sign and meet me back at the trailhead.  Big fat hairy cow deal. I was fly-bait and they weren’t touching him.  Enough.  So we turned around and headed back, stopping to eat our lunch along the stream that roared louder the closer one gets.  Our canteen dangled from a branch into the water to keep it cold.  There were several ginormous, flat boulders on which to sun ourselves as we ate.  Now this was livin’.  Couldn’t hear anything because of the soothing thunder of that river.  And no horse flies. 

When we finished lunching, Marty badgered me (lightheartedly) to place bets as to where we were on the trail, and when we got back to the trailhead, he was going to prove it to me by showing me on the map.  Nothin’ doin’, said I.  How would he know where we were?  We did pester each other back and forth at that point, certain that our internal compasses were each correct.

We crossed the lake again and emptied out of the boat to find our car.  Marty walked me over to the map of the trail head, pointed to a spot on the trail where he estimated that we stopped, and said, “Ha!  See?  We were almost there!  We could have done it!”  “So what!” said I.  Really, for the love of Pete.  So what.  (As you may have ascertained, we are about as identical as a cat and a dog.)

Connect the dots of the bugs biting to my blog about bugs getting up the nose of sheep.  When my friend and I talk about things really getting bad, we tell each other the bugs are biting.  Where is the bug spray when ya need it, we ask in exasperation. 

Anyhoo, here are some nice, commemorative pictures.  (This was my scrapbooking effort back in the days of the craft's infancy.)

I am still not seeing that cheesecake. 

Part III:  The part where the real lessons kick in.